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Think USS Is Crap? Then You Shouldn’t Waste Money (and Time) on These 3 Sh*tty Theme Parks

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Jeff Cuellar

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What? You’re disappointed with Universal Studios Singapore (USS)? Listen, I understand you’re still upset about the indefinite closure of the Battlestar Galactica roller coaster. I also know that no number of turns on the Shrek coaster or Transformers: The Ride will make up for the loss.

However, you should take comfort in the fact that even without the Battlestar Galactica roller coaster, USS is not the worst theme park out there. On the contrary, there are places far sh*ttier than USS.

Here are 3 theme parks that make USS look like a theme park paradise by comparison:

 

#1 Kingdom of Little People – Kunming, China

Price of Admission: $15

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As of now, it’s unclear whether the performers will start re-enacting scenes from Game of Thrones.

 

Next time you take a holiday and you decide to skip Bangkok, Bali, and Cebu to visit… beautiful Kunming, you might want to avoid a “little” (no pun intended) theme park called “Kingdom of the Little People.”

Why?

Well, for starters, there are no roller coaster or fun rides of any kind. Instead, you’re treated to an experience akin to visiting a village full of “little people.” Yes, I’m talking about individuals who have dwarfism. In fact, every employee at this theme park has dwarfism.

If that doesn’t make you feel a tad uncomfortable, then the twice daily singing and dancing performances probably will. Ah, I forgot to mention the performances also feature a “dwarf king” who rides around on a three-wheeler.

Apparently, the actors perform scenes from fairy tales and perform to hip-hop music. Hopefully, they’ll never re-enact King Joffrey’s wedding and perform the “War of the Five Kings.”

 

#2 Jeju Loveland – Jeju Island, South Korea

Price of Admission:  $11

This was the only "decent" photo of Loveland I could find.
This was the only “decent” photo of Loveland that was fit to post.

As if a theme park featuring “little people” dancing around for you wasn’t offensive enough, Jeju Island offers a theme park based on something most people would find even more uncomfortable – the universal taboo of SEX.

There are no roller coasters or water rides at this park either. But you can bet your ass that you’ll leave this theme park with memories that’ll last you a lifetime – and not in a good way.

That’s because throughout this theme park, you’ll be treated to more than 140 sculptures depicting different sexual positions and artistically sculpted depictions of the human reproductive organs.

Believe me, I enjoy art just as much as the next person. But there’s a HUGE difference between admiring Michelangelo’s “Statue of David” and gawking at a HUGE stone phallus.

If you visit Jeju Loveland, remember this: what has been seen cannot be unseen.

 

#3 Tiger Balm Gardens (aka Ten Courts of Hell) – Haw Par Villa, Singapore

Price of Admission: Free

I'm sure the kids enjoy learning about their fate in the afterlife if they cheat on their exams.
I’m sure the kids will enjoy learning about the torture they’ll endure in the afterlife if they cheat on their exams.

It turns out that you were wrong all along – USS isn’t the worst theme park in Singapore. THIS place is! Chances are you’ve either driven or walked past the gaudy exterior of this place and wondered “what the hell is that?”

Well, you were partly correct when you asked that question. Because “hell” is what this park is supposed to depict – the Ten Courts of Hell that is.

The park’s founders, who also happen to be the inventors of one of mankind’s greatest innovations, Tiger Balm, thought it would be a good idea to create a theme park with 1,000 statues depicting Confucian, Buddhist, and Taoist folklore scenes.

That includes the Ten Courts of Hell, which is supposed to educate you about the grisly punishments you can expect in hell for things like tax dodging and ungratefulness.

Oh, I forgot to mention there are no roller coasters or rides at this park either. But you’ll leave this place with a few burning images of pain and torture that’ll probably ruin your lunch… and your dreams.

 

What are some other theme parks that are worthy of being added to this list? Tell us what you think on Facebook! And to find even more useful information on everything personal finance, visit MoneySmart today!

Images: cvltnation.com, Dave Miller, jeremycg

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Jeff Cuellar

I'm known by many titles: copywriter, published author, literary connoisseur, ex- U.S. Army intelligence analyst, and Champion of Capua.

  • Lester Lam

    Dear Jeff, I would beg to differ with your choice of Haw Par Villa. That is such an unfair judgement you heap on the park. While you may have your personal belief on hell and religion, the park WAS POPULAR when most of the population of Singapore were Buddhists/Taoists. The park describes hell not to scare people, but to teach children and adults about cause and effect, about retributions, about taking responsibility for our own deeds. Besides the description of the 18 (not 10) levels of hell, there are also beautiful statues depicting chinese folktales. And did you forget to find out that the park was a contribution of the Aw Brothers to the community, to enable people to have a place to stroll, a park to go to, during a period of Singapore when there was no other entertainment. The Aw brothers could have kept the land as their private mansion, but they chose to open the mansion and build a park for the community. Your insensitive and ill-researched comment shows how ignorant you are about Singapore, and I hope you can take the opportunity to study more before writing such ill-informed article. Thanks.

    • Tim Ngim

      Is free too. No money wasted